To whomever so reads this
I have been taken captive. I do not know where I am or how I got here. It is extremely dark in this room but through a window I can see a cloud shaped like a bunny and some stairs. That should be enough for the police to locate my whereabouts. My phone has been removed from my person and I cannot access my social networking profiles. I am communicating with you through what I now believe to be a faint wireless signal that I picked up using a laptop I found underneath some old clothes. You are now my only hope. I am not sure how much longer I can survive without water.
I can hear drums, drums in the deep. I cannot get out, they are coming.
OK, that was a quote from Lord of the Rings, but maybe now you'll realise the severity of the situation. And before going to the police, you must ensure that the contents of my hard drive are cleared. Do not question me on this, time is of the essence. Furthermore, you must carry a message to my family. Tell them I met my twin sister, and that I'm not mad at them. That should freak them out because I never had a twin sister.
Now, I suspect that whoever took me is close because I can hear voices. The door seems to be locked but... from the inside. Obviously a trap to test me. Wait, I recognize the clothes on the floor. They are mine. Clearly they are planning on keeping me here a while. And the sheets on the bed are mine as well. Trying to make me feel less distressed by giving a sense of familiarity. And there's an empty bottle of vodka on the nightstand.... waaaaait a minute. OK, false alarm. Yup, upon further analysis I have deduced that this is indeed my room. I was drinking last night. No more vodka for me!
Anyways, watcha doin?