Wednesday, 10 April 2013

I like blogging

I like blogging. I should do it more often. Why don’t I? Because the only people that actually open this site are the pervs looking for a picture of Katy Perry’s boobage. Once there was even a link to my blog through the use of the search term “smurf porn”. Nothing makes a man think about where his life is headed like that does. But the reason I like blogging is because I can finish a train of thought without being interrupted. And you, the reader, are forced to listen until the end. You can’t give your opinion or ask me about something that might derail me. So I could be discussing the most mundane or pointless subject of all time, like Justin Bieber, and you just sit there reading, hoping it’ll get better. Mwahahaha! Well it doesn’t. I have come to accept that I am not a funny or interesting man. Also I’m no Gerard Butler and I’m not even remotely athletic. That’s what I have friends for, so I can at least say I know someone who is artistic or smart or good looking. But I think I’m perhaps more appealing over a chat room or text because then I have time to think and google before replying.

Why Smurf porn though? What could that possibly do for anyone? I mean sure, Smurfette is probably rockin’ a super-hot bod underneath that white frock of hers, but it’s a damn children’s cartoon. And I’m pretty sure Pappa smurf has enough kids. But I digress. Or do I? See that’s the beauty of a blog, I can steer the topic wherever I want. And you can’t do nuthin’ about it. What’s that? You wanna talk about the North Korean nuclear threat? Well tough, because I just watched an episode of Dragonball Z and now that’s all I can think about. That and Hubbly. What I wouldn’t do for a Hubbly right now. If I ever find a genie then that bastard will be conjuring Hubblies until I die, probably from lung cancer. But fuckit, I got a genie, bitch!

My girlfriend has been asking me to finish the Short Tale of John Gunderson, but I’d much rather listen to Enrique Iglesias and type whatever pops into my head. Also on my to-do-list is the completion of The Avinos comic/movie I’ve been working on for a year now as well as the book I’ve almost started writing about science. I’m calling it “Everything you’ll ever need to know about Science”. And of course I just got the entire Dragonball Z Kai series in HD which is not gonna watch itself. How the hell do I ever get any work done? Maybe that’s my unique ability: the power to do nothing while simultaneously doing enough to not get into any trouble. I did write two blog articles on procrastination. Is this how Batman felt when he started fighting crime? Am I Batman? If I wasn’t currently designing an actual Arc reactor for my thesis I would totally be Batman. But in this case I think I’m more of an Iron Man protégé. Amazing how my ego can swing from “I’m not a funny, handsome or interesting man” to “I’m totally Iron Man, bitch!” all in the same blog article. Maybe it’s the fact that I find inspiration in the music I am now listening to, from the artists known as Aqua. Maybe it’s because life in plastic really is fantastic! You can brush my hair but you cannot undress me everywhere, because that would be illegal.

I just figured it out! Katy Perry is Smurfette’s voice in the Smurfs movie! That’s why my blog has become a cruising spot for perverted predators and FBI agents. Speaking of which, do you remember that movie Miss Congeniality? Hilarious! You can’t be an FBI agent AND a beauty queen.  OK, that movie isn’t really that funny, but I just ate a large amount of chocolate ice cream whilst listening to Lady Gaga and I think the endorphins are kicking in. She is such an inspiration. I really WAS born this way. Anyways, to conclude this extremely pointless piece of writing, and I use the term “writing” lightly, I shall sit here staring at the screen trying to think of something fitting to end this piece. I am however, like most women who see me naked, at a loss for words. 

Iron Man, bitch!

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